the only thing i could think of when the clock chimed midnight, fireworks and crackers going off everywhere: thank god it's over. adios 2010! auf nimmer wiedersehen. what a shitty year. and it went down the drain with icy baileys, beer and clear tab water. the food kind of tasted like nothing, ashes, i don't know. i wasn't hungry, just exhausted.
2011 started great, i got a spark into my eye and the damn thing wouldn't stop hurting and tearing up for the rest of the night.
god, i hated 2010. while everyone was outside as i tried to cry out the pain in my eye on the couch, i kind of wanted to die for a second or two. not only because of the spark, but also because i realized i had developed a lot of resentment towards last year. it grew slolwy over months, i am sure, into some black, acid ball of loathing that sits there, somewhere between stomach and ribcage, like some kind of lich (...).
man, it was just full of failures
and regrets
and wrong decisions
too hastily formed opinions
laziness
guilty tears
hate and all kinds of rainbow coloured shame plus a disturbed, tilted world view that burned down bridges quicker than you can say "OBJECTION!"
the horoscope predicted a year full of changes. changes it were, but for the better? questionable. to me, it was a complete waste. i'd like to erase it from my memory to never have to relive that utter disappointment that i have become.
i am not proud of anything i did in 2010, tbh.
not a single thing.
i wished i had started with a different attitude, things would have turned out well. SO WELL.
:|
and the worst thing? 2011 will be the natural consequence of 2010. makes me want to scream. fear anger and despair~ oh yay. but that's self-contempt for you.